The dogs have a conk. This rubber cone is a point of argument and obsession between them. While Laney captures and guards it, Leo uses his obscenely long tongue to get at the treat inside. Sometimes, Laney will appear to have abandoned the conk, only to lie in wait for one of us to approach it. She will then come racing toward us, barking and showing every single one of her teeth. As the frequent victim of this trap, I find it cruel and nasty. As a hunter, however, I find it pretty brilliant.
Being a hunter, a good one, means practicing your art. And because there seems to be some totally unfair conspiracy to keep me inside, I have to practice in the house. In any given day, I work on the following skills:
THE SNEAK ATTACK.
VICTIM: Turtle
ACTIVITY: Come tearing out of thin air to freak her out and chase her into a corner where I pounce on her and show that I am, as discussed, awesome.
COMPLICATING FACTOR: Laney gets involved and breaks up the fight.
DEATH BY PAW-BAT
VICTIM: Laney
ACTIVITY: Laying on couch and batting her tail.
COMPLICATING FACTOR: It's a strong tail; I could be injured by a rogue wag. Also, Laney's quick and has big teeth and doesn't like her tail touched. So this practice session may also include speed tactics when I have to bolt lest I get chomped.
MARKING MY TERRITORY
VICTIM: Leo
ACTIVITY: Establishing dominance by rubbing my face on him, thereby marking him with my scent. Note that I also sleep in both of his beds to leave my scent there as well. Note also that I do not "mark" by spraying. Only lame, skill-less cats do that.
COMPLICATING FACTOR: Leo bites.
THE ESCAPE.
VICTIM: Rules and Warmth
ACTIVITY: Sliding out of the house any time any door or window is open.
COMPLICATING FACTOR: They're onto me.
It was while I was practicing the escape one day that my hate of conks began.
Warmth was trying to keep me out of the bedroom. Which smelled bad. But regardless of why he wanted me out, I saw an opportunity to practice getting through doors that I shouldn't be getting through. Therefore, when he slipped in, I raced through his legs and found myself in the middle of an empty room. An empty room with sticky floors. Really sticky floors.
Warmth freaked out and snatched me up.
He ran out to tell Rules who yelled at Warmth in a very high-pitched voice which she gets when something very bad has happened. I must have really performed a good Escape; I was definitely not supposed to be in there. I am a superior escape artist.
Rules pulled me from Warmth and threw me down in the snow. Which was uncool. I hate snow. I ran back to the door but she kept doing it. She was also talking on the phone while she did this. I think she was talking to The Feeder. I think this only because that's the only other person I know.
Then she picked me up and we went to the sink, were I usually drink my water from the faucet because I am a male Diva. This time, however, I was not allowed near the faucet. Instead they started rubbing goop all over my paws which, I was starting to notice, were all sticky and yellow. And then they put my paws under water. And more goop. And more water. And then some oil. And then peanut butter.
They finally let me go and I retreated to Leo's bed to clean my peanut butter paws. This took several hours. When I finally emerged, Rules inspected my feet and yelled at Warmth again. She took me back to the sink and repeated the whole mystifying ritual which was stupid because I had cleaned my feet properly. I was so mad at her, that when she let me go, I decided to run across her counters. Which would have been fine, but for the fact that one counter burned my oil/peanut butter/sticky paws. So I again retreated to Leo's bed to clean myself up, the smell of peanut butter and burned toes sticking in my nose like boogers.
Now, whenever I smell peanut butter, I want to throw up.
Which isn't great, because peanut butter is a fixture in this house.
It's in the conk.
(Note: For the real story, click here. He's not awesome. He's a freakshow. And mean. And his tail is always dirty. Love Turtle)
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